Email Prospecting: An Example of a Bad Email Transformed

For years I’ve collected and saved examples of good and bad emails.

We’ve all received bad emails and I’m pretty certain we are all guilty of sending a few bad emails as well.  The example below is an email a friend sent to me. (I’ve changed specific names and companies mentioned, because these details are not relevant to the points I’ll be sharing).

The company sending this email was looking to help the prospect recruit partners.  This email had a lot of potential, but based on how it was, written it failed on many levels.

Bad Email Example:

Subject Line:  Recruiting Your Channel Partners

Dear Jim-

I was curious if you had any concerns about how your channel partners will hit your revenue goals or if you are trying to figure out what is and isn’t working in your partner community.  I know firsthand how frustrating and challenging it can be to keep partners focused on your products, so your revenue goals are met…without busting your budget.

We’ve had tremendous success with companies like ABC Corporation, where we drove 150% net new business, when we worked with XYZ Inc. we were able to reduce partner cost by 50% and we helped ACME Inc. close $1.2M in new business in 6 months.

Would it make sense for us to chat?  If you do not have any concerns about your partner program, then I want to respect your time and there would be no need to chat.  If, however, you have areas you are trying to address, I’d like to learn what those challenges are.  Would you be so kind to let me know if you feel quick chat would be valuable to you?

Have a great weekend!

What’s wrong with this email?  Here are 5 issues that are glaringly wrong:

  • Way too long — 184 words
  • Opening sentence screams “I want to sell you something”
  • Uses “Dear” as part of the salutation — it screams you don’t know them
  • The email is all about the sender
  • Very weak call to action

I’ve taken the time to revise the above email to show how it could have been more effective.

Good Email Example (Revised from above):

Subject line: Amco

Jim,

I saw Amco recently joined your partner program, as part of your strategic plan to go after ABC’s market share.  There are a couple of key techniques that you can leverage to recruit highly successful partners, while reducing your partner cost by as much as 50%.

I have time on Wednesday afternoon or Friday morning to share these strategies with you. What openings do you have on those days?

Why does this email work?

  • Subject line is relevant to the prospect’s responsibilities, which were found in a quick Google search on the company.
  • It is short and easy to scan – powerful 75 words
  • Mobile friendly.
  • It mentions their internal strategy, which was found in a quick Google search about the company.
  • The body is relevant to the prospect, as they are responsible for recruitment and budget.
  • The call to action provides value and provides options of days to further discuss the possibilities.

Email marketing can be slimmed down to a very simple process.

We as email prospectors feel like we need to show our prospects how great we are and we tend to want to tell them everything in our brain.  Neither of those approaches is correct and will only lead to failure.

I hope you can use the above example to start transforming your email marketing in a way that will result in tremendous success! To see the other posts we have done in this series, check out the below:

Three Opening Sentence Strategies to Get Your Email Read

Three Strategies to Get Your Email Read

3 Fatal Mistakes When Email Prospecting

Guest post written by Beth Mastre, Vice President Strategic Development for The Sales Hunter.  For the past 20+ years, Beth has honed her email marketing skills, not only out of sheer necessity, but also because she is passionate about connecting with people and helping them succeed.  Beth’s experience and knowledge on this topic is truly second to none.  Her experience is invaluable to The Sales Hunter and to other clients who look to her for guidance and advice. You can email her or call her at 402-614-7080.

Copyright 2013, Mark Hunter “The Sales Hunter.” Sales Motivation Blog.

Share This Post
Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn

Recent Post

Yes! I want a "Weekly Sales Tip"

1 thought on “Email Prospecting: An Example of a Bad Email Transformed”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *